reggie11 | Learning to Breath 12/?

Chapter Twelve: Keep Breathing
Rating: M for this chapter
Genre: J2 RPS
Pairing/ Characters: Jared/Jensen, Mark Pellegrino, Traci Dinwiddie
Word Count: Approx 2900
Warning: This story contains non-con/ sexual assault although this chapter contains no graphic references. Please heed warnings if this is a trigger for you.

Authors Notes: First, apologies for taking so long for this chapter, I've been hellishly busy, sorry! Second, I have no working knowledge of the legal system of the United States as I live in Australia. Everything regarding the legal side of things has been learned through extensive research via Google, reading papers on rape and the legal system and visiting law enforcement websites. The information regarding the police departments mentioned is as accurate as I could get it but some dramatic license has been taken. For example; the departments and divisions are real, as are the jurisdictions, but when it comes to one bureau allowing officers to work with another, it's doubtful that would happen. Any statistical information regarding sexual assault, arrest and conviction rates that will be mentioned in future chapters is all real. And yes, what I say about the arrest rates of LASD vs LAPD in this chapter is true and well documented. What I've said regarding the media and the disclosure of rape victims names is also, unfortunately, true. I hope you don't find this chapter too boring, it's a necessary precursor to upcoming chapters. The chapter titles are all song titles. This one is taken from Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michelson.

Chapter 12 - Keep Breathing

Previous chapter

Things go just as badly as Jensen expects them to when Jared finally wakes up from his sedated sleep. Traci explained to Jared that his flashback was another symptom of his PTSD from the assault and Jared understood it but it didn’t make it any easier to deal with. After an hour of Traci and Jared talking things through, she had brought Jensen in so they could tell him about the letter. In a perfect world they would have waited until he was strong enough to deal with it but they know they don’t have that kind of luxury. They have to face the fact that Jared’s attackers, or at least one of them, isn’t through with messing him and they have no idea if this was a one off thing. All they know is that it proves that Jared isn’t safe from further harm. They may be able to protect him physically with bodyguards, by never leaving him alone, but those men can do just as much harm by taunting Jared, sending letters, contacting the media, his friends and family; the possibilities are endless.

Jensen hadn’t thought it was humanly possible for anyone to be any paler than Jared already was when he had entered the room but every ounce of color washed out of him as they told him everything that had happened and an overview of what had been in the letter. Jensen had tried to skip details and just give him an idea of it but Jared had insisted on reading it himself and Traci had agreed. Watching Jared throw up over and over until there was nothing but bile coming up after he had read it made Jensen’s heart break even further. But the worst was when Jared had told them to leave – that he wanted to be on his own. Every protective instinct Jensen had fought against it. He had wanted to stay and offer some kind of comfort, even though he really didn’t know what comfort he could possibly offer. He had refused to leave until Jared had actually lost it and screamed at him to get out. Traci had told him that he needed to give Jared some space and it was important for Jensen to do what he asks and give him what he needs as it was vital for Jared to feel like he had some control over what was happening around him.

He had checked on him a few times, just knocking on the door and asking if he needed anything. Jared had always answered him but not once had he opened the door. He had refused to eat and continued to say he wanted to be alone. Jensen had gone to bed around midnight knowing there was no way he was going to get much, if any, sleep but not knowing what else to do. Traci was sleeping in an upstairs bedroom, Ty was in the guest house out back and Nicki had left after she’d heard Jared scream at Jensen and Traci to go to a hotel to try and sort her own shit out saying that she didn’t think it would be a good idea for her to be in the house because she didn’t want to cause Jared any more stress. Jensen had left his bedroom door open so he could hear if Jared had nightmares but the house was deathly quiet and he must have nodded off at some stage because he was startled awake by the sound of a creaky floor board.

He woke, instantly alert and turned to see Jared, hunched in on himself, standing in his doorway to his bedroom.

“Jared, you okay?”

“No. Can I...?”

Jared hadn’t needed to sleep in with Jensen for quite a while because, although things were hard, he had been doing a lot better and God but it was hard to see him looking the way he had done months ago once again. Jensen flipped back the covers and patted the bed. Jared had slipped in and buried his head against Jensen’s shoulder and the tears he had been holding back flowed in a torrent so Jensen held him tightly not saying a word. When the tears slowed to a hiccuping trickle, Jared finally spoke.

“Why is this happening to me? What am I going to do?”

“I don’t know... Listen, don’t get angry with me okay but I think you need to report it – all of it. I don’t really think you have a choice now, do you?” When Jared shuddered but didn’t respond, he continued. “One of Ty’s in-laws is in the force. He said he could get him talk to you off the record if you want, just to find out what would happen; find out what your options are. Does that sound like something you could do? I’ll be there with you the whole time if you want me to be.”

Jared didn’t speak for the longest time and Jensen was mentally kicking himself for bringing it up but then Jared finally answered, so quietly he could barely be heard. “Did you tell Nicki? Does anyone else know?” He didn’t sound angry, he sounded frightened.

“Nicki kind of guessed by the way I reacted when I made her go get the letter. I haven’t told her anything and I won’t but she’s really fucking sorry for what she said. She wanted to tell you herself but she didn’t want to upset you again. Ty was with us when we read the letter and he pretty much guessed too but his job is to protect you and the more he knows, the better he can do his job. Nicki swears that she won’t tell a soul and she said that she only mentioned getting a prank letter about you and me to Sebastian in passing and he never asked for any details so it’s just Nicki and Ty, I promise.”

“And whoever else might have gotten a letter.” Jared said bitterly.

“We don’t know that’s happened but...yeah, it’s a possibility.”

Jared wiped his face with tissues and sat against the headboard. “I don’t get what they were trying to achieve by sending a letter to Nicki, I mean you two are hardly in contact anymore, why her?”

“I dunno, man, nothing about this makes much sense.”

“Um...this guy, Ty’s in-law, he wouldn’t make it official unless I gave the go ahead?”

“No, Ty said it would completely off the record and he would speak with you while he was off-duty. Nobody is going to force you here but I think it would be a good idea to at least hear what he has to say.”

A few tears spilled onto Jared’s face and he swiped at them with the back of his hand and just seemed to crumple again. “I’m scared.”

Jensen drew him in close and wrapped his arms around him. “I know.”

“Can I stay in here tonight?”

“Any time, dude, whatever you need.”

“Can we call this guy in the morning?”

Jensen’s heart flipped in his chest, this was a massive step for Jared to take. He was proud of him, scared for him and his heart was breaking for him. “Yeah, we can do that. C’mon, why don’t you try and get some sleep.”

oooOOooo

In the afternoon Ty came into the kitchen where Jensen, Jared and Traci were all sitting around the large table drinking coffee. Jared looked like he hadn’t slept in a month and the sound of Ty’s footsteps startled him making him jump.

“It’s just me, Jared. Mark, my brother-in-law is in the living room whenever you’re ready. Take your time, okay.” He turned and left the room and Jensen and Traci shot each other a look as Jared tensed.

It was Traci who spoke first. “We’ll both be here with you, okay. You do this at your own pace.”

“Let’s just get it over with.” He stood and steeled himself for what he was about to face.

All three walked into the living room where a tall blonde man dressed in jeans and a blue button down sat with Ty, a solemn expression on his face. He stood to greet them as they approached and held his hand out to shake Jared’s. “Mr Padalecki, my name is Detective Mark Pellegrino but please just call me Mark. Ty said you needed to speak to me...unofficially.”

After introductions were made, Mark explained that he was there as a favor to Ty to try and answer any questions Jared might have and to give advice where he could and even though he was not there in his capacity as an officer of the law, everything that was spoken about would remain strictly confidential. He said that Ty had filled him in on the basics; that Jared had been sexually assaulted a few months previously and he had read the letter but asked gently if Jared could tell him in his own words what had happened. Ty excused himself with the offer of making coffee for everyone so that he could give Jared some privacy. Both Traci and Jensen remained at Jared’s request. They knew pretty much everything he was going to say anyway.

Jared gave a brief rundown of what happened; that he had been attacked by three men whilst walking to his car, that they had raped him and beaten him and the mention they made of both Jensen and Jake along with a description of the homophobic vitriol and finished by stating that he had no idea who they were but that they knew who he was. When asked, he had told Mark that he hadn’t reported it out of a combination of shame and fear of people knowing.

“That’s completely understandable, Jared. Most sexual assaults aren’t reported for those very reasons.”

“Yeah, but It wouldn’t just be my friends and family that find out. I’m famous and this would be big news, the whole world will know.” Jensen squeezed Jared’s hand at the anguish that appeared on his young friend’s face.

“Okay, let's get to it. From what you’ve told me there would be many difficulties in investigating should you choose to move forward. First, I’m not going to lie to you, the amount of time between the assault and reporting will make things very difficult – there is no scene to process for one, so any evidence we may have been able to collect no longer exists. Second, from what you’ve said, there are no witnesses either.” Seeing the anger on Jensen’s face he put up his hand in a placating gesture. “I’m not saying it wouldn’t be taken seriously or wouldn’t be investigated, I’m just saying it will make it harder. Without evidence it would be damn near impossible to build a case so is there any evidence?”

“Like medical records?”

“Exactly. Did you seek medical treatment?”

“Yes. I’m pretty sure they documented everything. They...they took photos.” At this stage Jared was no longer able to look anyone in the eye, the shame was rearing its ugly head once more.

“Well that’s a very good thing. Did they do a rape kit?”

“Yeah, but...”

“But?”

Jared’s voice failed him and he was shaking so hard he was almost vibrating of the chair he was sitting on. Jensen spoke up, “The bastards used condoms and...well, Jared showered before we got him treatment.”

Mark closed his eyes for a moment and composed himself. “Okay, well the shower was probably not the smartest thing to do but I do understand, I’m not judging you. There still may be some evidence that may have been collected, you never know. If you decide to go ahead and report it you’ll need to give permission for the doctor to release your records. It would, of course, have been better if you hadn’t bathed and your clothing was collected but–“

Jensen butted in, “I have the clothes he was wearing!”

Both Mark and Jared swung around to look at him with Jared sputtering, “What?”

“The night it happened. When I realized what you'd been... I put everything you were wearing into a trash bag. I knew you wouldn’t want to look at them so I put them in the trunk of my car and brought them home. Just in case, you know. They’re upstairs. That would help wouldn’t it?”

Mark smiled. “Well it’s certainly not ideal, a good lawyer may be able to have the clothing evidence dismissed in court but if Jared kept the clothes,” He looked at him pointedly, “then the DA could probably have the evidence admitted. It would certainly help us identify them if – and I have to stress it’s a big if – the men are caught.”

Jensen piped up excitedly, “Yeah, I picked up the clothes and bagged them for Jared and he brought them over here when he moved in with me.”

Mark smiled again at Jensen and then turned back to Jared, his expression once again serious and asked, “Where did the assault take place?”

“Outside a bar not far from the studio we were filming at in Santa Clarita.”

“Well that is definitely good news.” Seeing both men’s perplexed expressions Mark said, “It’s in the jurisdiction of the LA Sheriff’s Department not the LAPD and it’s not rivalry speaking, we have a significantly higher success rate in clearing sexual assaults. My division doesn’t investigate sex crimes, a sexual assault such as yours would most likely fall under the purview of the Special Victims Bureau but I know a lot of the teams and they’re good detectives.”

“But, couldn’t you do it? I don’t want someone else!”

“I’m really not sure it would be allowed, Jared, but if you want to move forward, we could discuss it with my Commander. Even if I can’t work directly on your case I’m sure whoever is put in charge will allow me to stay in the loop and I’ll help you in any capacity I can. Now I’m not sure what the letter Ms Aycox received signifies, whether it’s a taunt or whether the men who attacked you will attempt to extort you, but whatever the agenda, we can help protect you.” He took a moment to let that sink in because the existence of the letter didn’t sit well with him. It most definitely gave him concerns for safety of the young actor. “Do you think you might want to go through with reporting it officially?”

“I...I don’t...will you be able to keep it out of the media?”

“This is LA, we deal with a lot of high profile people, Jared, and although I can’t guarantee one hundred per cent that there would be no leaks, the Sheriff’s Department takes privacy very seriously, most especially in matters such as these. Nobody wants you to go through any more trauma than you already have. Nothing should get out during an investigation and if we do make an arrest and it goes to court, there are shield laws in place to protect victims. But, court records are in the public domain and the media have argued, and sometimes won, cases to disclose names based on the First Amendment to but in all fairness, it’s extremely rare in cases of sexual assault unless there is an acquittal so we make sure that doesn't happen. Almost all media outlets frown upon the practice but I can’t promise it won’t get out if it gets that far.”

“I need to think about it.”

“Of course.” He handed Jared his card. “If you have any questions or you decide to go ahead, you can call me directly. I don’t want to put any pressure on you but I think this is something you should do. Those bastards should be made accountable for what they did to you and you can’t live with the constant threat of them hanging over you, that’s just no way to live. I can promise you that we would do everything in our power to catch these men and put them behind bars so they can’t hurt you or anyone else.”

Jensen went and got Ty and saw Mark to the door while Jared sat with his elbows on his knees and his head swimming. Traci came and sat beside him, putting her arm around his back.

“What you’ve done is incredibly brave.”

“Not really. I haven’t decided whether to report it or not. I’m not sure if I can go through with it.”

“Whether you do or don’t, just talking to that detective was huge, Jared, I’m proud of you. You’re holding it together and with everything that’s happening, that’s pretty amazing. You’re a lot stronger than you think you are.”

Jensen walked in at that moment. “You are you know – strong. And you aren’t alone. If you go through with this you aren’t going through it alone, we’ll be with you every step of the way.”

“And what if, God, what if I can’t go through with it?”

“I’m still with you no matter what.”

“You really kept my clothes?”

Jensen rubbed the back of his neck in a nervous gesture. “Uh, yeah. I thought maybe you might change your mind so...yeah, I thought it might help.”

“What would I ever do if you weren’t looking out for me?” Jared managed a small smile.

Jensen walked forward and dropped into a crouch in front of Jared and took his hand. “You and me, we take care of each other so that’s something you’ll never have to find out. I’m always gonna be here for you.”

“I know. Thank you...for everything,” he whispered and stood, leaning forward to pull Jensen up into a hug and Traci slipped quietly from the room knowing that for now, Jared was in the best possible hands.

Chapter 13