Learning to Breathe 8/?
Oct. 15th, 2013 05:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reggie11Chapter Eight: Learning to Breathe
Rating: NC17
Genre: RPS AU
Characters/ Pairings: Jared/Jensen, Traci Dinwiddie
Word Count: 2880
Warnings: This fic contains non-con/sexual assault. Please heed the warnings if this may be a trigger for you. Nothing graphic in this chapter.
Disclaimer: This story in no way represents the actors' real lives. I think of them as actors cast in the roles of fictional characters and the story is strictly AU. Don't own anything but my own words.
Author’s Notes: This chapter takes us back to the day of the kiss and the session Jared has with Traci. I don't have any training whatsoever in mental health and this is purely to move the story in the direction it needs to go. I'm sure I've gotten many things wrong with what a therapist would say to a rape victim but I hope it doesn't come across as too far-fetched. This was the one thing I couldn't research because of the intensely private nature of therapy. Because it's a therapy session, this chapter is pretty much all dialogue. I hope you like Traci as much as I do. Chapter titles are all song names. Chapter title from Learning to Breath by Switchfoot.
Masterpost
Previous chapter
Instead of the reaction of shock he expected to see on her face she just slightly raised one eyebrow and said, “Hmm.”
“Is that it, you don’t want to say anything else?”
“Well I’m more interested in what you have to say about it.”
He didn’t say anything further and just started pacing back and forth.
“You’re going to wear a hole in the floor if you keep that up. Why don’t you take a seat and tell me what happened.”
“I don’t really know,” he replied as he sat on the bed and fidgeted, “My head feels like a jigsaw puzzle and the pieces don’t fit together.”
“Okay, then let me ask some questions and you can just answer and we’ll try and see if we can make a picture. So you kissed Jensen and I’m guessing it wasn’t a peck on the cheek. What were you feeling before you kissed him?”
“Pretty down I guess. A little lost. I called Jake yesterday and it was...hard.”
“Did you tell Jake what happened to you?”
“God no. I just told him that someone hurt me and made threats to him and Jensen too. I think he knew it was more than a beating though.”
“And that made you feel?”
“Scared. Vulnerable...dirty.” He hung his head.
“Anything else happen?”
“Jensen got mad at me.”
“Why?”
“I talked about being gang-banged and how I didn’t want people to see how dirty I am. He got angry and said I have to stop blaming myself.”
“Do you still blame yourself?”
“No, not really but I still feel really ashamed.”
“Okay, did you sleep much last night or did you just dwell on those feelings?”
“I, uh, couldn’t sleep so I got drunk.”
“So you were feeling ashamed and you tried to make it go away with alcohol. Did it work?”
“No.”
“We’ll work some more on your feelings of shame later but I’m thinking the real reason you needed to see me today was because of the kiss so let’s focus on that for now. So today you were feeling bad. Tell me how that led to you kissing Jensen.”
“He, um, he always makes me feel better. He never looks at me like I’m tainted, you know? We were sitting and talking and he looked at me with so much love and I really wanted to feel that.”
“And how did Jensen react to you kissing him?”
Jared started to blush furiously and he mumbled, “He kissed me back.”
“What happened then?”
“I freaked out. I mean I don’t even really know why I kissed him; it wasn’t even something I was really conscious of doing until I was doing it. He told me he wanted to help and that he loved me and I just did it.”
“We’ll explore that a little more but first I want to ask you, was it a frightening experience to kiss him? Did that kind of contact scare you?”
“No, well only in that I was worried I may have fucked up our friendship. I could never be scared of Jensen. It was more...I was...no I am confused.”
“About the reason for kissing him or that you kissed a man?”
“A little of both I guess.”
“Have you ever kissed a man before, other than when you were acting?”
The blush stain darkened even further causing Jared’s ears to pink up along with his face and neck.
“Uh, yeah, when I was nineteen. A friend of mine, a gay friend who had a crush on me. We got drunk one night and he kissed me. We sort of made out for a while.”
“It’s not unusual to experiment with your sexuality, Jared, especially in your teens. Being curious is perfectly normal. Did you enjoy the experience?”
“It was strange. Different than kissing a girl but yeah, I liked it.”
“Did it go further than kissing?”
“He...um, rubbed off against my leg until he came.”
“Did you climax?”
“No.”
“Was that because you didn’t feel aroused?”
“Jesus, shit.” He started picking at the seam of his jeans and couldn’t look Traci in the eye. He couldn’t ever remember feeling so thoroughly embarrassed. “No, I kinda freaked out because I was aroused so I stopped.”
“Do you feel sexually attracted to men?”
“Not generally, no.”
“But before your assault you didn’t find the idea of men together objectionable.” It was more of a statement than a question but Jared answered anyway.
“No, not at all. It just wasn’t something I was into but it’s never bothered me. I mean people are people right? Gender doesn’t really matter where love is concerned. I mean people don’t choose to be gay or bi, they just are.”
Traci nodded and continued making notes. He really wished he could see what she was writing.
“Was the guy you kissed the only man you’ve ever felt an attraction to?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“So was the attraction purely alcohol fueled or did that just free up your inhibitions a little.”
“It just loosened me up. I knew he had a crush on me and it made me a bit curious. I really liked him – a lot – and we’re still friends. I liked the way he made me feel as a person you know? And when we got drunk and then while we were kissing, I got really turned on and I hadn’t expected to. The whole thing was kind of my fault. I was the one who plied us both with alcohol because...um...I was kind of hoping he’d make a move. I think I wanted to see what it was like but I was too scared to just do it.”
Traci continued to scribble and Jared chanced a look up through his bangs. Her face looked thoughtful but not judgmental like he was kind of expecting her to look.
“Okay let’s go back to today’s kiss. You said liked the way your gay friend made you feel about yourself and that was part of the reason you were attracted to him, how does Jensen makes you feel?”
“Wow, I don’t even know if I can put it into words. He’s been incredible and I can’t even imagine how much worse things would be if he hadn’t stepped in to look after me. Safe. He makes me feel safe. Not just protected, although he certainly makes me feel that too, but he makes it feel safe to be me. I can drop all pretense around him. He never judges me even when I probably deserve it and I can just let go and feel whatever I’m feeling, I don’t have to pretend with him.”
Jared felt the tears welling and swiped his hand across his eyes. “I feel empty most of the time, kind of like the person I used to be isn’t inside me anymore and what’s left is just a shell – a dirty, used and broken shell, like the real me doesn’t even exist now. I feel like I’ve been cut adrift from the world but Jensen won’t let me disappear even when I want to, he’s my anchor. When I look in the mirror all I see is a husk but when he looks at me I can tell that he still sees me inside, even when I can’t. He gives me hope that maybe the real me is still in here somewhere.” He placed his hand on his heart as his tears flowed freely.
“You feel grateful?”
“So fucking grateful,” he choked out.
Traci handed him some tissues and gave him a couple of minutes to compose himself a little even though he continued to cry and then continued.
“Do you think you maybe kissed him to show him that gratitude? To show him you care for him as much as he cares for you? Or maybe you kissed him so you could feel something; something good?”
“I don’t know. Both, neither. I don’t know, it just felt right at the time.”
“But it doesn’t feel right anymore? Why?”
“He’s my friend and it was wrong.”
“Was Jensen upset by the kiss? Did he say it was wrong?”
“No, um, he said that it was okay to need to connect physically with someone I trust and he said the kiss was nice.”
“Was it nice, Jared?”
“Yeah, it really was. It was kind of awesome.” He let out a small embarrassed huff of a laugh followed by a deep frown.
“But I’ve never thought about touching Jensen like that before, what if...I didn’t think about being with a guy and now...”
“You think that because you never thought about kissing him before the assault that what they did to you may have been partly your fault?”
He squeezed his eyes closed and nodded.
“Okay first things first. Being assaulted did not make you gay, Jared – I don’t think you’re gay but even if you were that doesn’t make it alright for anyone to hurt you. We’ve been over this before; even if you were dressed in nothing but a rainbow flag and an out and proud gay it does not mean you were asking to be raped. What they did to you was unforgivable and there is no excuse in the world for it. Also, I think from our discussion that we’ve proven that although you may not be gay, you were at least a little bit bi-curious in your teens. You’ve told me you don’t really think gender is an issue when love is involved and at least once in your life you were turned on by the touch of a man and you enjoyed it. The assault had nothing to do with the kiss except maybe open your eyes to another side of your feelings toward Jensen because of the love and support he is giving you. Does that make sense?”
He nodded in agreement.
“I’m guessing you’ve heard of the Kinsey scale?” Again he nodded his head. “Well from what we’ve discussed today I’d say you’re at the very least a one on that scale and you always have been. You know what the numbers on the scale mean?”
“Uh yeah, a zero is totally hetero and a six is completely gay. The rest is a sliding scale.”
“Correctamundo! Jensen being bi means he is a three and I think you are predominately heterosexual but there’s scope for other attraction, same as a huge slice of the population so I declare you to be completely normal.” She winked and shot him a grin earning a smile and a small laugh in return.
“Now back to Jensen and the confusing kiss. I agree with Jensen completely. It really is perfectly normal and okay to need and want touch and comfort and if you both enjoyed it I don’t really see a problem. You’re confused about all of your feelings at the moment and that’s perfectly normal too, it’s going to take some time to figure things out in your head but that’s why we have these sessions – to help you put your thoughts in order. Answers aren’t going to appear magically for you, Jared. Only time will give you more clarity. I think you’re making some great progress though. Think about it, you were so afraid of any kind of touch but you’ve kissed someone and the world is still turning, nothing bad happened and you even enjoyed it. A month ago I doubt you would have been able to think about kissing anybody at all without having a panic attack.
“You may have wanted to kiss Jensen to obtain comfort, to give him something in return for what he’s giving you or you may just be seeing him in a whole new light. Only you are going to know for sure and I’m going to help you figure it out. Don’t be too hard on yourself. All of those things are valid reasons for wanting to kiss someone and I’m pretty certain that your friendship is solid enough that it won’t fall apart because of feelings you need to take some time to identify. Maybe if the urge to kiss Jensen comes up again you could talk to him about it. It might help to understand how you feel about it if you also know how he feels about it. How are you feeling about things now?”
“Better, thanks. Not so lost and not quite as stupid as I felt earlier. I’m still embarrassed about kissing Jensen out of the blue like that and I’m a little worried that it might have made him feel uncomfortable but at least I don’t feel mortified about it now.”
“I’m glad. If things get awkward with you and Jensen why don’t you ask him if he wants to do a joint session and we can see if we can clear things up a bit. You know I’ll never discuss anything with him about our sessions but I can facilitate you talking to each other in a way that might make it easier.”
The rest of the session was spent talking about his feelings of disconnection and the shame he still felt.
It was almost two hours before they finished up and by then Jared was feeling completely worn out. Between the emotional rollercoaster of the day, a morning hangover and not sleeping much the previous night he was exhausted.
Before she left he hugged her and relished the fact that it felt comfortable to do it.
“Thanks for everything, Traci. I really appreciate you coming out for the extra session, especially at such short notice.”
“Lucky for you I have a very flexible schedule...and there’s always the fact that I’m seriously awesome," she said with a wide grin.
“That you are,” Jared replied, smiling.
“How’s he doing?” Jensen asked when Traci walked into the kitchen.
“He’s exhausted but making good progress. I highly doubt you’ll see him at all for the rest of the evening. How are you doing, Jensen?”
She walked over and gave him a hug.
“I’m good. He seems to be doing much better lately and that makes me happy. There are fewer bad days and for the most part he seems to be channeling his feelings into exercise instead of trying to drown them in booze and sleeping pills which is a relief. He’s drinking a lot less than he was.”
“The gym work is great. It’s not only helping him to stay healthy it’s making him much stronger and he needs that. It makes him feel more in control. But enough about Jared, I want to know how you’re going, as your friend.”
“I’m good, really.”
“So he kissed you huh?”
Jensen felt the heated spots of color rise on his cheeks and rubbed at the back of his neck. “Yeah, that was...surprising.”
“Good surprise or bad surprise?” She sat down and snagged a cookie from the plate in front of him. When he didn’t answer right away she looked at him quizzically before asking, “What are you thinking?”
“I don’t think the kiss meant anything, I think he was just looking for some comfort.”
“Maybe. Did you like it?”
“That’s not really the point is it?”
“Why? Do you find him attractive?”
“Well duh, have you seen him? But I still don’t think he kissed me because of attraction, he just needed contact.”
“As I said, maybe. I can’t tell you anything we discussed but you mean the world to him, you know that don’t you?”
“Of course I do, I feel the same way about him. He really is the best friend I’ve ever had.”
“Just a hypothetical, hear me out. If he were to show interest in you sometime in the future would you be interested in him? As more than friend I mean?”
“Your hypothetical isn’t valid; he’s as straight as they come.”
“That’s not what I asked. C’mon, humor me and answer the question.”
“Honestly? I’ve never put any thought into it.”
She stood and grabbed her bag, kissing him on the cheek.
“Well I’ve gotta go, I’ll see you on Friday but maybe you should think about it just in case it happens again.”
“Do you think it will? Happen again I mean?”
She shrugged. “Dunno, the whole situation is very confusing, for both of you. It might be good for you to at least think about whether it’s something you want to shut down immediately or something that might be worth exploring. Gotta go, hot stuff.” And with that she walked out the door.
He stood there in a bit of a daze and ran his fingers over his full lips remembering how good it felt to have Jared’s lips on his, how natural.
The kiss couldn’t have meant anything but the need for contact, could it?
In the guest room down the hall Jared slipped into a dream. For once it wasn’t a replay of the attack or a dream of trying to run, unable to move his legs; he dreamed of the plush feel of soft lips and a warm feeling of safety.
Next Chapter
Rating: NC17
Genre: RPS AU
Characters/ Pairings: Jared/Jensen, Traci Dinwiddie
Word Count: 2880
Warnings: This fic contains non-con/sexual assault. Please heed the warnings if this may be a trigger for you. Nothing graphic in this chapter.
Disclaimer: This story in no way represents the actors' real lives. I think of them as actors cast in the roles of fictional characters and the story is strictly AU. Don't own anything but my own words.
Author’s Notes: This chapter takes us back to the day of the kiss and the session Jared has with Traci. I don't have any training whatsoever in mental health and this is purely to move the story in the direction it needs to go. I'm sure I've gotten many things wrong with what a therapist would say to a rape victim but I hope it doesn't come across as too far-fetched. This was the one thing I couldn't research because of the intensely private nature of therapy. Because it's a therapy session, this chapter is pretty much all dialogue. I hope you like Traci as much as I do. Chapter titles are all song names. Chapter title from Learning to Breath by Switchfoot.
Masterpost
Previous chapter
Chapter Eight - Learning to Breathe
Traci walked in and sat on the armchair in the bedroom and before she even got a chance to open her mouth he blurted out, “I kissed Jensen.”Instead of the reaction of shock he expected to see on her face she just slightly raised one eyebrow and said, “Hmm.”
“Is that it, you don’t want to say anything else?”
“Well I’m more interested in what you have to say about it.”
He didn’t say anything further and just started pacing back and forth.
“You’re going to wear a hole in the floor if you keep that up. Why don’t you take a seat and tell me what happened.”
“I don’t really know,” he replied as he sat on the bed and fidgeted, “My head feels like a jigsaw puzzle and the pieces don’t fit together.”
“Okay, then let me ask some questions and you can just answer and we’ll try and see if we can make a picture. So you kissed Jensen and I’m guessing it wasn’t a peck on the cheek. What were you feeling before you kissed him?”
“Pretty down I guess. A little lost. I called Jake yesterday and it was...hard.”
“Did you tell Jake what happened to you?”
“God no. I just told him that someone hurt me and made threats to him and Jensen too. I think he knew it was more than a beating though.”
“And that made you feel?”
“Scared. Vulnerable...dirty.” He hung his head.
“Anything else happen?”
“Jensen got mad at me.”
“Why?”
“I talked about being gang-banged and how I didn’t want people to see how dirty I am. He got angry and said I have to stop blaming myself.”
“Do you still blame yourself?”
“No, not really but I still feel really ashamed.”
“Okay, did you sleep much last night or did you just dwell on those feelings?”
“I, uh, couldn’t sleep so I got drunk.”
“So you were feeling ashamed and you tried to make it go away with alcohol. Did it work?”
“No.”
“We’ll work some more on your feelings of shame later but I’m thinking the real reason you needed to see me today was because of the kiss so let’s focus on that for now. So today you were feeling bad. Tell me how that led to you kissing Jensen.”
“He, um, he always makes me feel better. He never looks at me like I’m tainted, you know? We were sitting and talking and he looked at me with so much love and I really wanted to feel that.”
“And how did Jensen react to you kissing him?”
Jared started to blush furiously and he mumbled, “He kissed me back.”
“What happened then?”
“I freaked out. I mean I don’t even really know why I kissed him; it wasn’t even something I was really conscious of doing until I was doing it. He told me he wanted to help and that he loved me and I just did it.”
“We’ll explore that a little more but first I want to ask you, was it a frightening experience to kiss him? Did that kind of contact scare you?”
“No, well only in that I was worried I may have fucked up our friendship. I could never be scared of Jensen. It was more...I was...no I am confused.”
“About the reason for kissing him or that you kissed a man?”
“A little of both I guess.”
“Have you ever kissed a man before, other than when you were acting?”
The blush stain darkened even further causing Jared’s ears to pink up along with his face and neck.
“Uh, yeah, when I was nineteen. A friend of mine, a gay friend who had a crush on me. We got drunk one night and he kissed me. We sort of made out for a while.”
“It’s not unusual to experiment with your sexuality, Jared, especially in your teens. Being curious is perfectly normal. Did you enjoy the experience?”
“It was strange. Different than kissing a girl but yeah, I liked it.”
“Did it go further than kissing?”
“He...um, rubbed off against my leg until he came.”
“Did you climax?”
“No.”
“Was that because you didn’t feel aroused?”
“Jesus, shit.” He started picking at the seam of his jeans and couldn’t look Traci in the eye. He couldn’t ever remember feeling so thoroughly embarrassed. “No, I kinda freaked out because I was aroused so I stopped.”
“Do you feel sexually attracted to men?”
“Not generally, no.”
“But before your assault you didn’t find the idea of men together objectionable.” It was more of a statement than a question but Jared answered anyway.
“No, not at all. It just wasn’t something I was into but it’s never bothered me. I mean people are people right? Gender doesn’t really matter where love is concerned. I mean people don’t choose to be gay or bi, they just are.”
Traci nodded and continued making notes. He really wished he could see what she was writing.
“Was the guy you kissed the only man you’ve ever felt an attraction to?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“So was the attraction purely alcohol fueled or did that just free up your inhibitions a little.”
“It just loosened me up. I knew he had a crush on me and it made me a bit curious. I really liked him – a lot – and we’re still friends. I liked the way he made me feel as a person you know? And when we got drunk and then while we were kissing, I got really turned on and I hadn’t expected to. The whole thing was kind of my fault. I was the one who plied us both with alcohol because...um...I was kind of hoping he’d make a move. I think I wanted to see what it was like but I was too scared to just do it.”
Traci continued to scribble and Jared chanced a look up through his bangs. Her face looked thoughtful but not judgmental like he was kind of expecting her to look.
“Okay let’s go back to today’s kiss. You said liked the way your gay friend made you feel about yourself and that was part of the reason you were attracted to him, how does Jensen makes you feel?”
“Wow, I don’t even know if I can put it into words. He’s been incredible and I can’t even imagine how much worse things would be if he hadn’t stepped in to look after me. Safe. He makes me feel safe. Not just protected, although he certainly makes me feel that too, but he makes it feel safe to be me. I can drop all pretense around him. He never judges me even when I probably deserve it and I can just let go and feel whatever I’m feeling, I don’t have to pretend with him.”
Jared felt the tears welling and swiped his hand across his eyes. “I feel empty most of the time, kind of like the person I used to be isn’t inside me anymore and what’s left is just a shell – a dirty, used and broken shell, like the real me doesn’t even exist now. I feel like I’ve been cut adrift from the world but Jensen won’t let me disappear even when I want to, he’s my anchor. When I look in the mirror all I see is a husk but when he looks at me I can tell that he still sees me inside, even when I can’t. He gives me hope that maybe the real me is still in here somewhere.” He placed his hand on his heart as his tears flowed freely.
“You feel grateful?”
“So fucking grateful,” he choked out.
Traci handed him some tissues and gave him a couple of minutes to compose himself a little even though he continued to cry and then continued.
“Do you think you maybe kissed him to show him that gratitude? To show him you care for him as much as he cares for you? Or maybe you kissed him so you could feel something; something good?”
“I don’t know. Both, neither. I don’t know, it just felt right at the time.”
“But it doesn’t feel right anymore? Why?”
“He’s my friend and it was wrong.”
“Was Jensen upset by the kiss? Did he say it was wrong?”
“No, um, he said that it was okay to need to connect physically with someone I trust and he said the kiss was nice.”
“Was it nice, Jared?”
“Yeah, it really was. It was kind of awesome.” He let out a small embarrassed huff of a laugh followed by a deep frown.
“But I’ve never thought about touching Jensen like that before, what if...I didn’t think about being with a guy and now...”
“You think that because you never thought about kissing him before the assault that what they did to you may have been partly your fault?”
He squeezed his eyes closed and nodded.
“Okay first things first. Being assaulted did not make you gay, Jared – I don’t think you’re gay but even if you were that doesn’t make it alright for anyone to hurt you. We’ve been over this before; even if you were dressed in nothing but a rainbow flag and an out and proud gay it does not mean you were asking to be raped. What they did to you was unforgivable and there is no excuse in the world for it. Also, I think from our discussion that we’ve proven that although you may not be gay, you were at least a little bit bi-curious in your teens. You’ve told me you don’t really think gender is an issue when love is involved and at least once in your life you were turned on by the touch of a man and you enjoyed it. The assault had nothing to do with the kiss except maybe open your eyes to another side of your feelings toward Jensen because of the love and support he is giving you. Does that make sense?”
He nodded in agreement.
“I’m guessing you’ve heard of the Kinsey scale?” Again he nodded his head. “Well from what we’ve discussed today I’d say you’re at the very least a one on that scale and you always have been. You know what the numbers on the scale mean?”
“Uh yeah, a zero is totally hetero and a six is completely gay. The rest is a sliding scale.”
“Correctamundo! Jensen being bi means he is a three and I think you are predominately heterosexual but there’s scope for other attraction, same as a huge slice of the population so I declare you to be completely normal.” She winked and shot him a grin earning a smile and a small laugh in return.
“Now back to Jensen and the confusing kiss. I agree with Jensen completely. It really is perfectly normal and okay to need and want touch and comfort and if you both enjoyed it I don’t really see a problem. You’re confused about all of your feelings at the moment and that’s perfectly normal too, it’s going to take some time to figure things out in your head but that’s why we have these sessions – to help you put your thoughts in order. Answers aren’t going to appear magically for you, Jared. Only time will give you more clarity. I think you’re making some great progress though. Think about it, you were so afraid of any kind of touch but you’ve kissed someone and the world is still turning, nothing bad happened and you even enjoyed it. A month ago I doubt you would have been able to think about kissing anybody at all without having a panic attack.
“You may have wanted to kiss Jensen to obtain comfort, to give him something in return for what he’s giving you or you may just be seeing him in a whole new light. Only you are going to know for sure and I’m going to help you figure it out. Don’t be too hard on yourself. All of those things are valid reasons for wanting to kiss someone and I’m pretty certain that your friendship is solid enough that it won’t fall apart because of feelings you need to take some time to identify. Maybe if the urge to kiss Jensen comes up again you could talk to him about it. It might help to understand how you feel about it if you also know how he feels about it. How are you feeling about things now?”
“Better, thanks. Not so lost and not quite as stupid as I felt earlier. I’m still embarrassed about kissing Jensen out of the blue like that and I’m a little worried that it might have made him feel uncomfortable but at least I don’t feel mortified about it now.”
“I’m glad. If things get awkward with you and Jensen why don’t you ask him if he wants to do a joint session and we can see if we can clear things up a bit. You know I’ll never discuss anything with him about our sessions but I can facilitate you talking to each other in a way that might make it easier.”
The rest of the session was spent talking about his feelings of disconnection and the shame he still felt.
It was almost two hours before they finished up and by then Jared was feeling completely worn out. Between the emotional rollercoaster of the day, a morning hangover and not sleeping much the previous night he was exhausted.
Before she left he hugged her and relished the fact that it felt comfortable to do it.
“Thanks for everything, Traci. I really appreciate you coming out for the extra session, especially at such short notice.”
“Lucky for you I have a very flexible schedule...and there’s always the fact that I’m seriously awesome," she said with a wide grin.
“That you are,” Jared replied, smiling.
ooOoo
“How’s he doing?” Jensen asked when Traci walked into the kitchen.
“He’s exhausted but making good progress. I highly doubt you’ll see him at all for the rest of the evening. How are you doing, Jensen?”
She walked over and gave him a hug.
“I’m good. He seems to be doing much better lately and that makes me happy. There are fewer bad days and for the most part he seems to be channeling his feelings into exercise instead of trying to drown them in booze and sleeping pills which is a relief. He’s drinking a lot less than he was.”
“The gym work is great. It’s not only helping him to stay healthy it’s making him much stronger and he needs that. It makes him feel more in control. But enough about Jared, I want to know how you’re going, as your friend.”
“I’m good, really.”
“So he kissed you huh?”
Jensen felt the heated spots of color rise on his cheeks and rubbed at the back of his neck. “Yeah, that was...surprising.”
“Good surprise or bad surprise?” She sat down and snagged a cookie from the plate in front of him. When he didn’t answer right away she looked at him quizzically before asking, “What are you thinking?”
“I don’t think the kiss meant anything, I think he was just looking for some comfort.”
“Maybe. Did you like it?”
“That’s not really the point is it?”
“Why? Do you find him attractive?”
“Well duh, have you seen him? But I still don’t think he kissed me because of attraction, he just needed contact.”
“As I said, maybe. I can’t tell you anything we discussed but you mean the world to him, you know that don’t you?”
“Of course I do, I feel the same way about him. He really is the best friend I’ve ever had.”
“Just a hypothetical, hear me out. If he were to show interest in you sometime in the future would you be interested in him? As more than friend I mean?”
“Your hypothetical isn’t valid; he’s as straight as they come.”
“That’s not what I asked. C’mon, humor me and answer the question.”
“Honestly? I’ve never put any thought into it.”
She stood and grabbed her bag, kissing him on the cheek.
“Well I’ve gotta go, I’ll see you on Friday but maybe you should think about it just in case it happens again.”
“Do you think it will? Happen again I mean?”
She shrugged. “Dunno, the whole situation is very confusing, for both of you. It might be good for you to at least think about whether it’s something you want to shut down immediately or something that might be worth exploring. Gotta go, hot stuff.” And with that she walked out the door.
He stood there in a bit of a daze and ran his fingers over his full lips remembering how good it felt to have Jared’s lips on his, how natural.
The kiss couldn’t have meant anything but the need for contact, could it?
In the guest room down the hall Jared slipped into a dream. For once it wasn’t a replay of the attack or a dream of trying to run, unable to move his legs; he dreamed of the plush feel of soft lips and a warm feeling of safety.
Next Chapter
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2013-10-15 12:44 pm (UTC)Love the way Jensen is becoming Jared's rock in this stormy weather and that Jensen is thinking about Jared in a somewhat different way - more than a friend that he loves..
I really love this story, pls update as soon as possible.
Take care,
Cla;}
no subject
Date: 2013-10-15 12:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-15 01:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-15 01:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-15 01:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-15 11:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-15 06:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-15 11:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-15 07:33 pm (UTC)<333
mems*
no subject
Date: 2013-10-15 11:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-15 09:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-15 11:20 pm (UTC)Edition 2,694
Date: 2013-10-16 12:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-16 04:40 pm (UTC)I know both Jared and Jensen have a long, long way to go before they can be together, but I loved this line 'The kiss couldn’t have meant anything but the need for contact, could it?'
no subject
Date: 2013-10-16 04:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-04-27 07:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-04-28 04:28 am (UTC)