Learning to Breathe 6/?
Sep. 19th, 2013 10:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reggie11Chapter Six: Breathe In Breathe Out
Title: Learning to Breathe - part 6/?
Rating: NC-17
Genre: RPS AU
Characters/Pairings: Jared/Jensen
Word Count: 2000
Warnings: This story contains rape/non-con although there is no mention in this chapter.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my imagination. This story in no way represents the actors' real lives. I think of them as actors cast in the roles of fictional characters and the story is strictly AU.
Author's notes: I'm sorry for taking so long to update but I have been hideously ill and my brain wouldn't function. Chapter titles are names of songs. Chapter title from Breathe In Breathe Out by Matt Kearney.
Masterpost
Previous chapter
“She dumped you, Jared! You’re going through the worst thing that has ever happened to you and she cut you loose. I thought she’d help, I thought she’d be there for you, how could she be so selfish?”
Jared sighed. “She doesn’t have a selfish bone in her body, you know that. She didn’t dump me, we broke up, it’s not the same. I know if I needed her she would jump on a plane and be here as soon as she could. The truth is I’m relieved.”
He explained everything that had happened in more detail and although part of Jensen still thought she had taken the easy way out and should have stuck it out, he noticed how a lot of the tension Jared had been carrying around had melted away – like a weight had been lifted.
Jared wrapped up on set midway through the following week. He’d been dreading his part being over because it meant that he would be at a loose end again. His next project was months away and he couldn’t just sit around doing nothing – it gave him too much time to think – yet he wasn’t able to bring himself to go out and do things. The thought of being out in public had him shaking.
The next couple of weeks were spent quietly with Jensen and having multiple sessions with his therapist, Traci Dinwiddie, who had been amazing. He didn’t think he’d be able to really open up to anyone about how he was feeling but for all of her no-nonsense exterior, she was a remarkably perceptive and empathic doctor who coaxed things out of him and helped him to make sense of some of the jumble of his mind. When he’d first met her he didn’t think he would be able to talk about what happened with an extremely attractive woman with how dirty and disgusting he felt but she had this way about her that broke down his walls. His sessions left him drained and emotional but they definitely helped.
Throughout everything Jensen always sensed what he needed and provided it. Whether it was quiet company, leaving him alone when he couldn’t bear to be around another living soul, or climbing into the bed with him on nights when he was too afraid to sleep.
He was still suffering severe mood swings but was generally better than he’d been in a while so, of course, something just had to throw a spanner in the works.
Lauren, who had been incredibly supportive, had had to attend a red carpet event, something that Jared would have always accompanied her to, work permitting. She’d quite masterfully dodged most questions regarding his absence and when she couldn’t, she smiled and said that Jared hadn’t been able to attend due to other commitments which would have been fine if the following week, pictures taken at the airport the weekend they had split hadn’t been suddenly splashed across the covers of gossip mags; the tension obvious in Jared’s expression, along with pictures of Lauren alone at the event.
Jared came back from his run with his dogs looking frantic as he stalked into his kitchen and slapped a magazine down on to the table.
“Fuck!”
At the exclamation Jensen followed him into the kitchen.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” And then he glanced down at the cover, the headline screaming ‘Trouble in paradise? Where was Jared really?’ “Aw, shit.”
“There are fucking paps outside in the street.”
Jensen walked through to the front of the house and peeked through the curtains. Sure enough, just outside the gate were two photographers, telescopic lenses trained up the driveway. He walked back through to find a very sweaty Jared pacing around the kitchen with a pained look on his face.
“I didn’t want anyone to know yet. I’m not ready.”
Jensen took a bottle of water from the fridge and thrust it into the agitated man’s hand.
“Sit. C’mon calm down, it’s not the end of the world. You don’t have to do an interview, we’ll just get Samantha and Lauren’s agent to release a joint statement saying that you’ve split and it’s amicable. You don’t have to give a reason, it’s none of anybody’s damn business why you two broke up.”
Jared slumped forward, head in hands. “I can’t deal with the fucking photographers camped out front. You know they’re not going to leave me alone now.”
“You don’t have to. Move into my place for a while. You can bring the dogs and you’ll get a damn sight more privacy there, it’s the one good thing about living in a gated community. Security won’t let anyone through and my place is huge. Nobody but the other residents will even know that you’re there and everyone in that place respects privacy, we can pack you up and go tonight. What do you say?”
The relief on Jared’s face was obvious.
“Are you sure?”
“Hell yeah! You can stay as long as you want and treat it like your own home. The place is too big for one person anyway.”
Jensen had never really wanted a house that big but his ex-wife Nicki had insisted that they have a home at least three times as big as what he would have chosen...before she left him and used the sizable chunk of his fortune she received in the divorce settlement to buy an even bigger one.
“That would be awesome.” And then Jensen was enveloped in breath-squeezing hug as a relieved Jared glomped onto him.
"Eeuw, sweat boy, lemme go, you stink!" But he couldn’t help chuckling.
ooOoo
After calling Lauren and explaining about the difficulty he was having coping with speculation about them they both decided it would be for the best if a statement confirming their break-up went out to various media outlets as soon as possible. A few emergency calls between Jared, Samantha, Lauren and her own manager, they decided on what they wanted to say, put a blanket ban on any interviews and by late the following day a joint press release was issued to the media. It hit the papers the day after.
Of course the release of the statement caused a feeding frenzy in the media and all over the internet – with speculation that wouldn't let up – running rampant as to the real reason behind the break-up of TV’s golden girl and the movie actor touted as the next big thing. As their lives were dissected for public consumption, Jared was incredibly glad that he was protected within the walls of the gated community surrounding Jensen’s home. His own house was practically under siege by media outlets trying to catch a glimpse or get a sound bite. He felt horrible for Lauren having to endure the unwanted attention but she assured him that she could handle it and seemed far more worried about him. It didn’t really assuage the guilt that he felt for putting her through all of this when she was still hurting so badly from their split.
Worst of all for Jared were the worried calls from his mother who had been shocked that her son had split from the woman she thought was going to be the mother of her grandchildren. He had called her a few hours before the statement was released and she didn’t, for one minute, believe that distance was the real reason they parted. She had been around them plenty of times and seen them together just a few months previously and had known they had been happy. It felt wrong lying to her but telling her truth was out of the question as far as he was concerned. He had to practically beg her not to call Lauren and interrogate her about it. Lauren really didn’t deserve having to fend off his concerned mother. She didn’t deserve any of this.
On top of the shame that was still riding Jared, he now felt guilty for everything; for breaking Lauren’s heart, for lying to his mother and his friends about why he was so distant and for turning Jensen’s life upside down. It was draining and all-consuming and his mind was a constant whirl that never let up. He could no longer sleep without pills or alcohol and he sometimes went for days barely touching any food. The only times he really did eat were when Jensen forced him to, which reinforced the guilt he was feeling for everything he was putting his friend through.
He was amazed by the infinite patience Jensen seemed to have for him, through his anxiety attacks, the alternating between crying and raging at the world and he responded to the vicious words Jared sometimes threw at him with love and a complete lack of complaint. After every single time Jared was nasty or hurtful toward Jensen he apologized profusely, begging for forgiveness only to be told there was nothing to forgive. He couldn’t understand why he deserved someone so amazing in his life when he didn’t feel worthy of anything at all but he was grateful beyond measure that he had Jensen in his life.
“What’s all this?”
“I was having a coffee with Jared earlier and he asked if I knew where to get some workout equipment. I know a supplier and made a few calls. He went a little crazy and ordered half of their catalog! I’m just getting it all set up, he wasn’t comfortable with the delivery guys around so I offered to do it for him. I think this could be good for him. I don’t really know what happened to him except that he was hurt pretty bad. Ms Ferris didn’t give me any details and it’s none of my business but I can see how scared he gets around people he doesn’t know and maybe this will help him to feel stronger and safer.”
“Yeah, maybe it will.”
Jensen hoped the gym equipment was a turning point. Since the break-up had hit the news, Jared had begun to spiral downward again and Jensen had been worried sick. It bothered him to see the amount of booze Jared was consuming and he had to practically force-feed him to get him to eat anything. He had a sneaking suspicion that Jared was taking the sleeping pills that the doctor had prescribed for really rough nights way more than he should be but he was loathe to confront him about it because he didn't want to upset him further and he wasn't exactly sure that he wouldn't be doing the same if their positions were reversed. He'd hit both drugs and alcohol pretty hard himself after Nicki had left him and Jared had let him wallow for a while saying he was entitled to before he made him take a good look at himself and helped pull him through the other side.
He'd been contemplating how to bring up the drinking and sleeping tablets but maybe he wouldn't need to now. Him buying all of this gym equipment had to be a good sign. He knew Jared still had a long way to go with his recovery but hopefully, things were starting to look up.
Chapter 7
Title: Learning to Breathe - part 6/?
Rating: NC-17
Genre: RPS AU
Characters/Pairings: Jared/Jensen
Word Count: 2000
Warnings: This story contains rape/non-con although there is no mention in this chapter.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my imagination. This story in no way represents the actors' real lives. I think of them as actors cast in the roles of fictional characters and the story is strictly AU.
Author's notes: I'm sorry for taking so long to update but I have been hideously ill and my brain wouldn't function. Chapter titles are names of songs. Chapter title from Breathe In Breathe Out by Matt Kearney.
Masterpost
Previous chapter
Chapter Six - Breathe In Breathe Out
At first Jensen was furious with Lauren. How could she abandon him like this when he needed her the most? It must have shown on his face because Jared poured them both another drink and said, “Don’t be mad at her, she doesn’t deserve it.”“She dumped you, Jared! You’re going through the worst thing that has ever happened to you and she cut you loose. I thought she’d help, I thought she’d be there for you, how could she be so selfish?”
Jared sighed. “She doesn’t have a selfish bone in her body, you know that. She didn’t dump me, we broke up, it’s not the same. I know if I needed her she would jump on a plane and be here as soon as she could. The truth is I’m relieved.”
He explained everything that had happened in more detail and although part of Jensen still thought she had taken the easy way out and should have stuck it out, he noticed how a lot of the tension Jared had been carrying around had melted away – like a weight had been lifted.
ooOoo
Jared wrapped up on set midway through the following week. He’d been dreading his part being over because it meant that he would be at a loose end again. His next project was months away and he couldn’t just sit around doing nothing – it gave him too much time to think – yet he wasn’t able to bring himself to go out and do things. The thought of being out in public had him shaking.
The next couple of weeks were spent quietly with Jensen and having multiple sessions with his therapist, Traci Dinwiddie, who had been amazing. He didn’t think he’d be able to really open up to anyone about how he was feeling but for all of her no-nonsense exterior, she was a remarkably perceptive and empathic doctor who coaxed things out of him and helped him to make sense of some of the jumble of his mind. When he’d first met her he didn’t think he would be able to talk about what happened with an extremely attractive woman with how dirty and disgusting he felt but she had this way about her that broke down his walls. His sessions left him drained and emotional but they definitely helped.
Throughout everything Jensen always sensed what he needed and provided it. Whether it was quiet company, leaving him alone when he couldn’t bear to be around another living soul, or climbing into the bed with him on nights when he was too afraid to sleep.
He was still suffering severe mood swings but was generally better than he’d been in a while so, of course, something just had to throw a spanner in the works.
Lauren, who had been incredibly supportive, had had to attend a red carpet event, something that Jared would have always accompanied her to, work permitting. She’d quite masterfully dodged most questions regarding his absence and when she couldn’t, she smiled and said that Jared hadn’t been able to attend due to other commitments which would have been fine if the following week, pictures taken at the airport the weekend they had split hadn’t been suddenly splashed across the covers of gossip mags; the tension obvious in Jared’s expression, along with pictures of Lauren alone at the event.
Jared came back from his run with his dogs looking frantic as he stalked into his kitchen and slapped a magazine down on to the table.
“Fuck!”
At the exclamation Jensen followed him into the kitchen.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” And then he glanced down at the cover, the headline screaming ‘Trouble in paradise? Where was Jared really?’ “Aw, shit.”
“There are fucking paps outside in the street.”
Jensen walked through to the front of the house and peeked through the curtains. Sure enough, just outside the gate were two photographers, telescopic lenses trained up the driveway. He walked back through to find a very sweaty Jared pacing around the kitchen with a pained look on his face.
“I didn’t want anyone to know yet. I’m not ready.”
Jensen took a bottle of water from the fridge and thrust it into the agitated man’s hand.
“Sit. C’mon calm down, it’s not the end of the world. You don’t have to do an interview, we’ll just get Samantha and Lauren’s agent to release a joint statement saying that you’ve split and it’s amicable. You don’t have to give a reason, it’s none of anybody’s damn business why you two broke up.”
Jared slumped forward, head in hands. “I can’t deal with the fucking photographers camped out front. You know they’re not going to leave me alone now.”
“You don’t have to. Move into my place for a while. You can bring the dogs and you’ll get a damn sight more privacy there, it’s the one good thing about living in a gated community. Security won’t let anyone through and my place is huge. Nobody but the other residents will even know that you’re there and everyone in that place respects privacy, we can pack you up and go tonight. What do you say?”
The relief on Jared’s face was obvious.
“Are you sure?”
“Hell yeah! You can stay as long as you want and treat it like your own home. The place is too big for one person anyway.”
Jensen had never really wanted a house that big but his ex-wife Nicki had insisted that they have a home at least three times as big as what he would have chosen...before she left him and used the sizable chunk of his fortune she received in the divorce settlement to buy an even bigger one.
“That would be awesome.” And then Jensen was enveloped in breath-squeezing hug as a relieved Jared glomped onto him.
"Eeuw, sweat boy, lemme go, you stink!" But he couldn’t help chuckling.
ooOoo
After calling Lauren and explaining about the difficulty he was having coping with speculation about them they both decided it would be for the best if a statement confirming their break-up went out to various media outlets as soon as possible. A few emergency calls between Jared, Samantha, Lauren and her own manager, they decided on what they wanted to say, put a blanket ban on any interviews and by late the following day a joint press release was issued to the media. It hit the papers the day after.
ooOoo
Of course the release of the statement caused a feeding frenzy in the media and all over the internet – with speculation that wouldn't let up – running rampant as to the real reason behind the break-up of TV’s golden girl and the movie actor touted as the next big thing. As their lives were dissected for public consumption, Jared was incredibly glad that he was protected within the walls of the gated community surrounding Jensen’s home. His own house was practically under siege by media outlets trying to catch a glimpse or get a sound bite. He felt horrible for Lauren having to endure the unwanted attention but she assured him that she could handle it and seemed far more worried about him. It didn’t really assuage the guilt that he felt for putting her through all of this when she was still hurting so badly from their split.
Worst of all for Jared were the worried calls from his mother who had been shocked that her son had split from the woman she thought was going to be the mother of her grandchildren. He had called her a few hours before the statement was released and she didn’t, for one minute, believe that distance was the real reason they parted. She had been around them plenty of times and seen them together just a few months previously and had known they had been happy. It felt wrong lying to her but telling her truth was out of the question as far as he was concerned. He had to practically beg her not to call Lauren and interrogate her about it. Lauren really didn’t deserve having to fend off his concerned mother. She didn’t deserve any of this.
On top of the shame that was still riding Jared, he now felt guilty for everything; for breaking Lauren’s heart, for lying to his mother and his friends about why he was so distant and for turning Jensen’s life upside down. It was draining and all-consuming and his mind was a constant whirl that never let up. He could no longer sleep without pills or alcohol and he sometimes went for days barely touching any food. The only times he really did eat were when Jensen forced him to, which reinforced the guilt he was feeling for everything he was putting his friend through.
He was amazed by the infinite patience Jensen seemed to have for him, through his anxiety attacks, the alternating between crying and raging at the world and he responded to the vicious words Jared sometimes threw at him with love and a complete lack of complaint. After every single time Jared was nasty or hurtful toward Jensen he apologized profusely, begging for forgiveness only to be told there was nothing to forgive. He couldn’t understand why he deserved someone so amazing in his life when he didn’t feel worthy of anything at all but he was grateful beyond measure that he had Jensen in his life.
ooOoo
After more than a week of Jared barely leaving his room and hanging around the house unshaven, unshowered and almost permanently drunk he had come into the kitchen one morning freshly shaven, his wet hair darkening the collar of his T-shirt with bloodshot eyes but looking far more alive than he had in a while. He had insisted that he was feeling a lot better and that Jensen go and catch up with a friend or do something, anything, for himself for a while so he’d gone and hung out with a couple of guys from his former band. He’d been gone a little over four hours and when he got back home there was a delivery truck in his driveway. Jared was holed up back in his bedroom and Ty, the bodyguard, was out in the pool house overseeing the assembly of an incredibly impressive home gym – in fact most of the equipment looked better than what they had at the gym he sometimes used near the recording studio.“What’s all this?”
“I was having a coffee with Jared earlier and he asked if I knew where to get some workout equipment. I know a supplier and made a few calls. He went a little crazy and ordered half of their catalog! I’m just getting it all set up, he wasn’t comfortable with the delivery guys around so I offered to do it for him. I think this could be good for him. I don’t really know what happened to him except that he was hurt pretty bad. Ms Ferris didn’t give me any details and it’s none of my business but I can see how scared he gets around people he doesn’t know and maybe this will help him to feel stronger and safer.”
“Yeah, maybe it will.”
Jensen hoped the gym equipment was a turning point. Since the break-up had hit the news, Jared had begun to spiral downward again and Jensen had been worried sick. It bothered him to see the amount of booze Jared was consuming and he had to practically force-feed him to get him to eat anything. He had a sneaking suspicion that Jared was taking the sleeping pills that the doctor had prescribed for really rough nights way more than he should be but he was loathe to confront him about it because he didn't want to upset him further and he wasn't exactly sure that he wouldn't be doing the same if their positions were reversed. He'd hit both drugs and alcohol pretty hard himself after Nicki had left him and Jared had let him wallow for a while saying he was entitled to before he made him take a good look at himself and helped pull him through the other side.
He'd been contemplating how to bring up the drinking and sleeping tablets but maybe he wouldn't need to now. Him buying all of this gym equipment had to be a good sign. He knew Jared still had a long way to go with his recovery but hopefully, things were starting to look up.
Chapter 7
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no subject
Date: 2013-09-19 03:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-19 03:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-19 03:39 pm (UTC)Yay, can't wait!
Oh yeah, I wanted to mention that I didn't get the notification through padacklesrpf as I normally do, and searched your journal to find the chapter. Just in case it wasn't your intention. Cheers!
no subject
Date: 2013-09-19 03:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-19 03:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-19 03:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-19 04:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-19 04:56 pm (UTC)Jensen is an awesome friend in this but little snippets are filtering through to show that Jared has been an amazing friend to him as well.
I went a little icon crazy didn't I! I just love them. I made some gifs from the season 8 gag reel too in the post before this one.
Thanks for the comment and well wishes :)
no subject
Date: 2013-09-19 05:01 pm (UTC)I am so sad for Jared. You do a really good job at bringing out his pain. I do hope Jensen is right and the gym equipment is not another bad thing disguised as a good thing.
Great job on the story
On a different note My radio was on as I read this and Robin Thicke's Song "Blurred Lines" came on at the same time as I scrolled and saw Jensen (Dean) in the fedora. His head moves in time with that song and because he is so hot I am never going to hear this song again without thinking of this icon. Freaking awesome!!!!!! :) <3
no subject
Date: 2013-09-19 05:57 pm (UTC)My icons seem to be making people happy - I know they make me smile! I was a bit worried they'd be distracting while reading ;) It made me laugh when I read about the song. Dancing dapper Jensen!
no subject
Date: 2013-09-19 09:23 pm (UTC)looks like Jared is doing better....hmmmm...
just love this!
can't wait for more!
no subject
Date: 2013-09-20 02:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-19 10:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-20 02:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-20 02:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-20 02:50 am (UTC)Edition 2,674
Date: 2013-09-20 05:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-21 06:17 am (UTC)The way you let Jared deal with everything sounds realistic.
Can't wait to read how you'll make a couple out of the J's. I for my part can't imagin a streight guy having interest in a man after beeing raped by men.
no subject
Date: 2013-09-21 07:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-21 10:43 am (UTC)with women it kind of made sense for me. A school friend of mine had two shitty boyfriends in a row (one cheated on her, the other got a little to handsy after a party while beeing drunk) and so her next relationship was with a girl.
no subject
Date: 2013-09-21 10:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-21 03:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-21 04:13 pm (UTC)Thanks for the comment.
Edition 2,681
Date: 2013-09-28 03:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-11 11:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-11 02:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-04-27 05:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-04-28 04:03 am (UTC)