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Learning to Breathe 4/?
Chapter Four: I Can't Breathe
Rating: NC17
Genre: RPS AU
Characters/ Pairings: Jared/Jensen
Word Count: 2970
Warnings: This fic contains non-con/sexual assault. This chapter contains references to the assault. Please heed the warnings if this may be a trigger for you.
Disclaimer: This story in no way represents the actors' real lives. I think of them as actors cast in the roles of fictional characters and the story is strictly AU.
Author’s Notes: No real names of family members will ever be used in any of my fics. All characters are CW actors or original characters. There will also be a few more graphic flashback scenes down the track but warnings will be given. Chapter titles are all the names of songs. Chapter title from I Can't Breathe by Gary Numan.
Rating: NC17
Genre: RPS AU
Characters/ Pairings: Jared/Jensen
Word Count: 2970
Warnings: This fic contains non-con/sexual assault. This chapter contains references to the assault. Please heed the warnings if this may be a trigger for you.
Disclaimer: This story in no way represents the actors' real lives. I think of them as actors cast in the roles of fictional characters and the story is strictly AU.
Author’s Notes: No real names of family members will ever be used in any of my fics. All characters are CW actors or original characters. There will also be a few more graphic flashback scenes down the track but warnings will be given. Chapter titles are all the names of songs. Chapter title from I Can't Breathe by Gary Numan.
Chapter Four - I Can't Breathe
Two days later
Jensen stirred slowly awake. It was still dark and his head was muzzy and he wasn’t sure what had woken him. As he fought his way to full consciousness he realized that Jared was no longer in the bed. There was no light coming from the bathroom so he wandered down the hall in search of him. The house was quiet and in total darkness as he poked his head first through the door to the living room, which was empty, and then the kitchen which was where he noticed the French windows to the back patio were ajar. He found Jared curled up on a sun lounger crying with his dogs sitting sentinel beside him.
“Jared?” he spoke quietly so as not to startle him. The weeping man didn’t move or answer. The air was chilly and Jared was wearing only sleep pants and a t-shirt so Jensen went back inside to grab a throw rug from the living room and shrugged into his jacket which was hanging on the back of a chair in the kitchen. He went back outside and wrapped the blanket over his friend’s shoulders.
“What are you doing out here?”
Jared raised tear streaked face and answered, “I didn’t want to wake you.”
“Can I sit down?” He received a nod so he pulled another sun lounger over, sat on it and reached out for his friend’s hand. “You don’t have to worry about that, it’s why I’m here remember. Did you have a bad dream?”
“I didn’t sleep.”
“You wanna talk?
“How can you even look at me?”
“What are you talking about? Why wouldn’t I want to look at you?”
“You wouldn’t if you knew.”
Jensen started to become alarmed. He’d thought he knew everything those bastards had done to him but maybe he’d been hiding something worse – although what could be worse than what they did was beyond him.
“I’m sure there’s nothing you could tell me that would make me not want to look at you or change how much I care about you, dude. Whatever they did to you wasn’t your fault, you have to know that.”
He moved from his own chair to perch on the edge of Jared’s and clasped Jared’s hand in both of his own.
The taller man turned his head into the chair and whispered, “I’m so ashamed.”
“Oh Jared, you have nothing to be ashamed of, you couldn’t have fought harder or done anything different to prevent what happened. This was done to you, you didn’t ask for it.”
“I didn’t want it, I didn’t enjoy it, I didn’t – you have to believe me.”
“Of course you didn’t, I would never think that! Why would you even think that way?”
“Oh God, Jensen there’s something really wrong with me, I’m sick, I must be or I wouldn’t have...”
He broke off with a shudder and Jensen could see his shoulders shaking from the sobs wracking his body.
“Can you look at me? Wouldn’t have what? Wouldn’t have been targeted? It’s not your fault that they wanted to hurt you, it’s theirs.” Jared was shaking his head and still wouldn’t meet Jensen’s gaze.
“I...I got...they made me...” He couldn’t finish his sentence because he suddenly couldn’t breathe and he felt like there was a band constricting his chest and his heart was in a vise.
“Jared, Jared, you gotta breathe, man. Look at me...c’mon look me and take a breath. Deep breath in, you can do it...and out...another one, in...and out.”
He continued until he had finally gotten Jared’s breathing regulated then helped him shuffle his way back to bed and took out the bottle of Xanax that the doctor had prescribed. She had explained that it was likely that Jared would experience anxiety or panic attacks and had given them to him just in case.
I’m pretty sure you just had a panic attack so I want you take one of these and try and get some rest, we’ll call the doctor tomorrow. She said this might happen, remember?”
“I’m sorry.” He took the tablet and handed back the glass.
“What are you sorry for? It’s okay. You’re going through something huge and terrifying – things like this are bound to happen.
They both got back under the covers and Jared had noticeably calmed after twenty minutes or so. Jensen had thought that maybe the larger man had drifted off to sleep and was surprised when he spoke.
“I got hard, Jensen. What kind of sick fuck gets hard when they’re being raped?”
“Is that why you think there’s something wrong with you?”
“Don’t you?”
“Jesus, of course not! It doesn’t mean you liked it just because your body responded. I’m not a doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s a prostate thing. I got hard once when some grizzled old doctor had to give me a prostate exam and I can tell you it wasn’t something I wanted or liked. I don’t for one minute think you enjoyed being brutalized.” Jensen turned bright pink at the admission but he figured sharing a stupid embarrassing story was nothing if he could get his point across.
“It wasn’t then...shit...when one of them shoved himself into my mouth the main guy, he put his hands on me, told me I was a filthy gay whore – said he’d prove how much I wanted it, then they laughed at me. Fuck, I got hard with his hands on me and some guy’s cock in my mouth.” He shuddered in revulsion then started saying over and over in a hushed voice, “I didn’t want it, I didn’t, I didn’t.”
Jensen didn’t think it was possible for him to feel more rage at the men that did this but he was wrong, he didn’t think he’d felt more loathing for anyone than he did at that moment. He didn’t know anything about the way a rapists’ mind worked but he was pretty sure they’d done that to humiliate Jared further – somehow make him think he had participated in his own rape. He didn’t know that disgust had a taste before but right then he knew it tasted like bile.
“I wanna hug you, is that alright?” He sat up and scooted over and put his arms around the broad shoulders. “I know you didn’t want it, I know you didn’t like it and I don’t think badly of you in any way, shape or form. It was a response to friction, that’s all. I think you should talk to one of the counselors that Sam organized. You know you can talk to me anytime about anything but I think it would help to talk to a professional too. I can give you support but I don’t really know what to do to help and they’ll be able to give you coping strategies and stuff. What do you think?”
“Yeah...I could give counseling a try I guess.”
“Good, we’ll call in the morning and set something up for you. Samantha said they’ll come to the house.”
“You really think that’s what it was? Friction, I mean. I just don’t understand how my body could react like that. I hate myself for it.”
“Yeah, I really think that’s all it was. You can’t hate yourself for something you couldn’t control and besides, feeling like that is just giving them more power. They’ve taken enough from you don’t let them take anything more. How are you feeling now?”
“Tired.”
“Well, try and get some sleep and wake me up if you need me, don’t go off and try and cope with this on your own okay? I really don’t mind – I want to be here for you, I promise."
As they settled down to sleep Jensen wished again that Jared would report this to the police. It wasn’t fair that they were walking around free while their victim was locked in a prison of hurt and shame. Beside him Jared was wishing that the men had gone ahead and killed him. He didn’t think he would ever feel remotely clean ever again.
ooOoo
A few days after the assault Jared was still waking multiple times a night either in pain or with nightmares and was startling at any strange noises. Jensen was still sleeping in the same bed so Jared wouldn’t wake up alone although he was pretty stunned that his friend wanted him that close. He wouldn’t even let a male doctor near him but he seemed relatively okay with Jensen touching him as long as he initiated the touch himself first. A couple of times Jensen had put his hand on his shoulder or arm and Jared had frozen for a few seconds or pulled away quickly until his brain caught up with who it was. He knew that it was going to be monumentally hard on Jared to go back to work and Samantha had spoken with Rob who had been far more upset that his friend had been injured than he was about a filming delay and agreed to put a hold on Jared’s scenes for however long it took for him to recover from his ‘accident’. Jared said he only wanted to be out for as long as it took for his physical injuries to heal and said he just wanted to get back to work as soon as possible.
Jensen had tried multiple times to get Jared to tell Lauren and his mother what had happened but he had point blank refused. They still thought he’d been sick and taken a bad tumble down some stairs while he’d been out of it. That was the story that everyone had been told. Thankfully nobody outside of the studio knew as production hadn’t been delayed so there wasn’t anything reported in the media or online. He didn’t think Jared could deal with fans asking after him or even sending well wishes. He just wanted everything as low key as possible. Although Jensen was still really worried about leaving him alone while he himself returned to work - he had finished the actual recording but there were still things that he needed to be in the studio for – he couldn’t convince Jared to tell anyone anything. He knew Jared’s mom would’ve been on the first plane there to look after him but he steadfastly refused to tell her, worried about how something like this would affect her and also worried that she would look at him differently. He said he’d be fine at home with the dogs and Samantha had organized for a bodyguard to be stationed outside the house and a counselor to visit him at home.
A week or so after the attack Jared seemed to Jensen to be doing a little better, all things considered. Physically, the bruising on his torso was still pretty ugly but beginning to fade, his lip and cheek were healing and he was walking and sitting slightly easier now. Emotionally, he was all over the place but doing better than Jensen had expected.
He was still jumpy and he cried a lot, especially at night, but he had seen his counselor every day and it really seemed to be helping. Jensen even joined him on a session because the therapist had wanted to let him know what to expect as well as he was Jared’s support person. She had also told him that he would need to have someone supporting him as well when things became too much and suggested he get semi-regular counseling with someone or join a support group.
Jensen spent a lot of time online devouring any information he could get hold of on how best to support Jared. The statistics had horrified him, one in thirty three males were the victims of attempted rape or rape and almost 33,000 men were estimated to be raped each year in the US alone. The numbers were staggering, especially as you rarely ever heard about it. He realized that, like Jared, most men obviously didn’t report it. He joined an online support group so that he would have a resource for information because he was flying blind.
The mood swings were taking their toll on Jared. He found himself crying one minute and terrifyingly angry the next which made him constantly tired. He was managing to hide a lot of it from Jensen because he felt that he was putting too much on the man’s shoulders and was worried that he would scare him away and he didn’t think he would cope without his almost constant presence. Although sometimes, the fury he felt almost ran away with him. He knew he had to find an outlet or he felt like he would crack wide open. It was part of the reason he wanted to get back to work, maybe focusing on something else would stop his mind going in circles back to the night of the attack. He hated how out of control he was feeling but didn’t know how to take control back. He felt vulnerable which made him angry which in turn made him feel lost and helpless which made him feel even more vulnerable and so the vicious cycle kept turning. Sometimes he thought he might be going insane.
He had felt bad because Jensen had circles under his eyes that rivaled his own and even though he dreaded the thought of being alone in the dark, he knew that Jensen needed to get some real sleep and that wasn’t going to happen while they were sharing a bed. He woke up crying often enough and thought he was probably as restless as all hell even when he did manage to get some sleep. Plus, he thought about how sleeping in the same bed might be making Jensen uncomfortable even though he hadn’t said anything about it. At least that was one thing he could fix and he’d told Jensen that he should sleep in the guest room so he could get some proper rest.
“It’s fine if you want me to stay in with you, I really don’t mind. Your bed is huge, dude.”
“I know but I can see how tired you are and I’m gonna have to sleep on my own some time. I’m sure I’ll be okay, you’re only going to be across the hall.”
“You have to promise to wake me if you need to. If you can’t promise that I’m not going to be able to sleep for worrying.”
“Yeah okay, I promise.”
He didn’t wake Jensen at all throughout that the first night even though he hadn’t managed to sleep at all. Every time he started to drift off he would jerk awake with his heart hammering and he wanted nothing more than to have Jensen’s reassuring presence beside him but his guilt wouldn’t let him give in. He had wandered across the hall numerous times during the night just to poke his head through the door to reassure himself that Jensen was still there and it made him feel like a creeper for watching his friend while he slept. The following morning he was overtired and irritable and had trouble containing his emotions.
Jensen didn’t need to ask how Jared had fared through the night, it was written all over him. He was pale and drawn, the bags under his eyes had morphed into a full set of luggage and he was on the verge of tears as he made them coffee. He felt bad because after getting eight solid hours himself, he felt like a new man.
“Did you sleep at all?”
“What? Yeah, of course,” Jared said shakily.
“Uh huh, you wanna try that again. You look like shit. Why didn’t you just wake me up?”
“You need to sleep, Jensen.”
“Well so do you. You wake me up when things get bad, you got it?”
Jared spun around and almost spat out, “When things get bad? Things are always bad – they’re never not going to be anything other than bad ever again, don’t you get that?”
He swept the arm that was in a cast across the kitchen counter sending coffee mugs and a sugar bowl crashing to the tiled floor. The rage that had been threatening for days came bubbling to the surface, overflowing like lava. Jensen jumped back as hot coffee splashed across the floor and then Jared picked up a kitchen chair and hurled it at the French windows which exploded like a gunshot and sent the dogs fleeing to the safety of the garage. He whirled around with wild eyes, blinking rapidly and his chest heaving.
Jensen had never seen Jared even remotely this way, the man didn’t usually have a temper at all and very rarely got angry about anything. The counselor had told him intense anger was one of the many things that Jared may experience but it still shocked the hell out of him to see it first hand, he also knew that it wasn’t really directed at him but truth be told, Jared was a large man and he’d be lying if he said a part of him wasn’t just a little bit afraid of him in that moment.
“Jared? You okay?”
It was the tremor in Jensen’s voice that brought the reality of what he’d done crashing down on him. He sagged to his still bruised knees and started to cry. “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.”
Jensen approached him from where he could be seen and sunk down on his knees in front of him. He reached out tentatively and Jared wilted into his arms sobbing, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, we’re okay,” Jensen murmured into thick chestnut hair. And no matter what or how, he would make it so.
Chapter 5
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all the emotions that Jared is going through....phew!! that is tiring!!
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Poor thing doesn't know what's up or down right now. A few more really difficult chapters and then there'll be a little bit of light for him.
Thanks for commenting.
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Thanks for commenting.
Edition 2,654
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I'm enjoying this immensely (again, I'm a terrible person!) you have a talent for writing hurt comfort that is based very much in a tangible sense of emotion. I cannot wait for more. I hope that with Jensens help, Jared will eventually feel strong enough to confront his attackers.
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Thanks so much for your lovely comment.
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Thanks for commenting.
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Thanks so much for your comment.
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Thanks for the comment.
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Thanks for the lovely comment.
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(Anonymous) 2013-09-01 11:00 am (UTC)(link)no subject
I love how Jensen is an awesome friend and wants to stay with Jared to help.
And the emotion...GOD! I swear I could feel it as I was reading.
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Thanks for the comment.
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